my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
