and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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