Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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