Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
