Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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