it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
