Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
false alarm. still invincible.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
