Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
