I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
