I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize