also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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