new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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