fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
