thus making me awesome and them whores
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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