thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
