this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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