worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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