The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
