I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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