I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
