I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
