He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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