Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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