My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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