Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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