my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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