Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
