my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
