there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
