So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
