we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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