BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dicks are not precious.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
