just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
