It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
