Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
