Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
