He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
