too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
