Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
