I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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