she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
