the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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