apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
