He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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