two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize