just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
