I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
