pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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