I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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