Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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