How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
