he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
