Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
