I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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