Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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