3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
