I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize