First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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