I cockslap morals
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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