WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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