Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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