yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
