In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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