it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Your penis caused this!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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